About twenty years ago I went to Ikea in North London, probably to have a look around and maybe try the meatballs. I can’t remember if we actually bought anything. We often didn’t.
What I do remember is that my son James was with me and he wanted to play in the tiny children’s playground before we went home. James was four or five at the time.
James ran off to play and I sat down on a bench, no doubt giving off ‘please don’t come and talk to me signals’. I probably had my nose in a book, even if I wasn’t actually reading it!
I was watching James playing with a little girl who was about the same age as him, and then I tensed ever so slightly as I saw the two of them run over to a woman sat on a bench on the other side of the playground. Like me she had her nose in a book.
I was getting ready to saunter over to the little trio, not wanting to draw attention to myself by sprinting, but at the same time wanting to protect James from perceived danger! But then I felt myself breaking out into the cold sweat of awkwardness when the woman stood up and, with a child holding each hand started to walk over towards me.
I probably looked like a rabbit in the headlights as I sat waiting for whatever embarrassment was to come. What disaster had taken place? An injured child? Did she think I was being neglectful? Was she about to tell me off? I felt all of the fearful anticipation of a six-year-old and cursed myself for agreeing to let James play in the playground.
Here they were, coming towards me and chatting away happily. Maybe I wasn’t in trouble after all.
As they drew near I heard James say; “This is my Mummy. She’s called Mandy and she’s shy. You can sit and talk to her.”
With that sorted out, James and his new friend ran back to the swings and left the woman and I looking at each other.
I’m afraid to say that I remember no more from that event. Sorry to disappoint.
I’d like to say that the woman and I became best friends forever, or that James and the little girl kept in touch and now meet up at Ikea on the same date each year. For old times’ sake.
But that wouldn’t be true.
I am sure that the other mother and I chatted a bit, laughed whimsically at our children’s kindness and then went our separate ways. That sounds more plausible to me.
So, why this story? Remembering this got me thinking that how we show up to the world and how we are actually feeling can look so very different. Obvious to you I suspect, but still worth a mention I reckon.
I would say that on the surface not much has changed from twenty years ago! I still prefer to sit alone on park benches, still have my nose in a book, or earphones in if I’m really not wanting anyone to talk to me. And don’t tell anyone, but I may not be actually playing any music!
There is a difference though, from now to then. Twenty years ago I was pretty scared a lot of the time, and hyper vigilant to anything or anyone coming near me! Hence preferring to be on my own.
Nowadays I still like to be on my own sometimes. That’s because I like my own company and not because I’m trying to keep the world at bay, as I was twenty years ago!
I’m pointing to the fact that the behaviour and the mind-set that we’re in can be so very different. Helpful hint here – believing that we know what someone is thinking and feeling from watching their behaviour can be soooo misleading and unhelpful!! Remember your teenage years when you felt so misunderstood?!
If I compare photos of me then and me now I look pretty much the same externally.
But if we could see inside my then head, we would see whirring, chattering, frantic, scared and fearful thoughts crashing about.
And now? Well, now we would generally see airy, spacy ponderings and wonderings and gentle musings. More laid back labrador than rabbit in the headlights. Most of the time anyway. Not all of the time. I am human after all.
And what’s changed I hear you ask? Well, it looks to me as if I have a better understanding of what’s going on, of how we operate as human beings. And that in itself is so very helpful!
These days I know not to take my thoughts too seriously, especially the ones that involve really scary things!
I know that the more at ease I am, the more of an open, expansive, experience of life !’ll have. And that’s pretty amazing.
