Mary was a lady in her mid-fifties who described herself as ‘mildly depressed’ and lacking motivation. She was a sweet lady – gentle and reflective, but also apologetic.
She explained that her life was good. She had a loving family, a nice job, good friends and no particular health or money worries, so she could not make sense of her depression and flatness.
She expressed feelings of guilt that she couldn’t seem able to feel grateful when she knew that she had so much.
Anti-depressants from her GP had made no difference to Mary’s state of mind and she had decided to stop taking them.
Mary’s husband was encouraging her to seek some help as he was worried about her, felt unable to help and really wanted her to be happier, particularly before they went away for three months to visit relatives in Australia.
“I can’t even feel excited about our trip” said Mary. “Most people would be so grateful for such a great opportunity but I just feel indifferent, I really don’t know what’s wrong with me”.
Mary had always been interested in personal development and psychology and was widely read on the subject. She had recently come across the Three Principles and said that, for the first time, she actually felt as if ‘happiness for her was just behind the door, if only she could find the key!’
“But” she said “although on the one hand it all makes sense, I also don’t really understand it. I don’t seem to have any particularly depressing thoughts so if our feelings can only come with a thought, why am I feeling so depresse? I’m really not having depressing thoughts honestly!”
As we drank tea and chatted, Mary seemed keen to talk and was telling me about her childhood living in a small rural village with a large extended family. Mary described herself as ‘an afterthought’ in that she was born a few years after her two elder brothers.
She did however, immediately became everyone’s darling, loved to bits by all around, and especially her parents.
Mary explained that her nickname at the time was Bubble, but that she had hated it, and still today would feel quite upset if one of her brothers reverted back to her old nickname, even if she did know it was said with fondness!
Mary explained where the nickname came from. An Uncle, who lived nearby and was renowned for his teasing, would say “Here she comes, here comes trouble’ whenever there was a family gathering, which was often! At one point one of her brothers apparently sang ‘Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble’ and so the nickname Bubble stuck, for many years!
As Mary talked she explained that she could still feel the upset and fury that she had felt all those years ago! Her eyes filled with tears as she described the unfairness of being accused of being a troublemaker and not being able to argue that that just wasn’t true! Especially when arguing was one of the things that got you into trouble!
Although she could see now that there was no harm meant, the hurt feelings continued whenever she remembered those times.
She explained that as a young child she had become acutely aware of the word ‘trouble’, and remembered the hushed voices and disapproval that accompanied the word when included in stories about others.
The man at the garage who got into trouble for stealing from the till, her brother who got into trouble for talking back to a teacher, the girl down the road who got into trouble and had to get married. Even her dad got into trouble on long journeys when he needed a toilet stop.
As a young girl Mary knew that getting into trouble was not a good thing. It made people upset and annoyed with you. So, it made sense to her at the time to do her absolute best to stay out of trouble at all costs.
As Mary continued her story she suddenly became very quiet and reflective. This was because she was starting to see a connection between something that had made sense to her when she was a young girl and how she was living her life now.
Mary explained that in order to avoid trouble she had become careful and cautious. She avoided any kind of confrontation, hated being in the limelight or drawing attention to herself and rarely stood up for her beliefs, and if she did she would do it quietly and apologetically.
Her eyes filled again as she said “I have spent my life not wanting to be a trouble to anyone. Being quiet, not getting too excited, not even allowing myself to feel excited!”
“And all because I believed that I was trouble, because why else would Uncle David have said that? I can see now that he was just teasing, and that I never was trouble anyway!”
Mary’s tears turned to laughter as she realised in a flash that she had been carrying around a label for herself, unconsciously believing it to be true, and living her life as if it were really her!
“Now that is just crazy” she said in amazement. “I had no idea that what made sense then had become so fixed that I didn’t even know it was there! It’s like I had this invisible thinking about how I should be. My very own blind spot! No wonder I’ve been feeling so flat and depressed! I was feeling my thinking but didn’t know what that thinking was. Oh for goodness sake, that’s crazy!!”
She again sat quietly as she started to become familiar with being Mary, but without the invisible belief that she was trouble. In fact, the Mary that she already was and always had been underneath the misunderstanding.
When Mary made contact a few weeks later she said that her life had changed dramatically. She described it as the blanket fog of depression having lifted and wafted away. She talked about a new sense of excitement and wonder at the world and it’s possibilities.
She said the best thing was finding her fun side, realising that she could be funny and have a laugh without fear of getting into trouble!
And she was really looking forward to the trip to Australia.
